** A piece I wrote last year about my struggle with grief
When it comes to sharing a personal message I hesitate. What will they think? Will they think I am mad? Attention seeking? Here she goes again? I tremble with the thought of people talking but then I reassure myself that a problem shared is a problem halved.
I struggle to talk openly about, well my struggle.
My way of opening up is to write. Maybe I hide behind my computer but isn’t this better than keeping it locked inside a heavy heart?
You see I write a lot about grief and how to get through it yet I forget to look after myself. I don’t practice what I preach and while others thank me for my words of wisdom, I cower in a corner trying to keep it all in.
Many well known figures have recently opened up about the struggles facing the youth today, how depression is becoming an epidemic.
For me grieving is my epidemic. It worms its way into every sense, emotion and crevice and buries itself deep inside me only to expose itself when I least expect it.
And sometimes I feel we are hit with such tragedy in everyday life, that so many of us are grieving at the one time but never together.
I’ve often discussed the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.
Some days I wake up and jump from my bed with an air of happiness and I think it has finally happened, I have reached the point of acceptance. But the reality is I haven’t. It is over 11 years since grief came knocking on my door yet some days I wake up and I feel like I am back in the hospital, the moment the surgeon came in to tell us Marcus did not survive, the words etched on my brain.
Those days I realise I’m further from acceptance than ever. Living with grief, for me, is like living with a disease.
When I go to bed, I never know how I will wake up. And I have tried the positive steps, reading and writing, meditation and mindfulness to ensure a fresh mind but it doesn’t always work that way.
I’ve had to accept that there is no quick fix.
Grief takes time and a lot of tears.
It also brings with it anger, an anger that is like a ticking time bomb, triggered by something so mundane – an ignored text, a day with no fresh air, a comment you read on social media – All triggers.
For me, it is easier to keep people at arms length because I never want to be a burden. Many people will offer themselves to a weakened soul but in reality, very few can be there when it strikes. Which is okay too. They have there own lives.
But sadly this has hardened my heart. I can’t remember what it feels like to be embraced because I won’t let anyone get that close to me. I’d love nothing more than to lie on a sofa for the day but I’m physically not able for that. Not right now.
As I type I’ve tears streaming down my face and I can’t stop them so I’m just going to let them fall. I know this will pass. I just don’t know when.
It is the weekend after all. But sometimes this happens when I have a busy day of meetings, work and errands to run but I’ve mastered the hide and slide technique.
Lots of concealer, large sunglasses and a fast paced walk. Don’t get me wrong, not everyday is this bad. Some days are so much fun and productive with plans for world domination!
But sometimes, life has a habit of getting me down and there is only so much I can do.
I try lead a perfect life but maybe my imperfections are what make me, me.
Maybe grief is just who I am now. Maybe this is my life.
It happened me for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.